Out of Darkness Salvation Testimony of Rev. Cheryl S. Birch 1Peter 2:9-10 But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. As I stand before the saints at various churches and groups I usually start by asking if they noticed I’m tall. On the Internet or reading media, you can’t see that I am 6’ 1 ¾” tall in my stocking feet. With even small heel I stand about 6’ 4.” That is wonderful now, but not when I was a kid. Being tall made me different and children can be very cruel to any classmate or person who is different. Too tall, too heavy, have a big nose, crooked teeth – whatever it is becomes fuel for teasing and rejection. I was always tall much taller than kids my age standing 4’5” in first grade, just a hair shorter than my 5’ tall teacher. That was a challenge, but for me it wasn’t just that I was tall. I was also pudgy, had crazy naturally curly hair that was always a mess and, on top of that, I had a lazy eye that crossed all the time. The doctor’s remedy for the lazy eye was to patch the good one to strengthen. But, then  I couldn’t see. The lazy eye was so weak that I could barely read the big E on the eye chart.  The eye doctor prescribed glasses, but they didn’t help much I struggled to read and hesitated reading out loud because I couldn’t see the letters in the books. Though I scored high on all tests, and had excellent grades the kids thought I was too stupid to read. To the kids at school I was the tall fat kid who bumped into things, couldn’t read and tripped over feet that grew to full size before the rest of me did. I felt so ugly with the patch and big black glasses that slid down my nose, I just wanted to hide. The kids called me dumb, stupid, retarded, slow, idiot, giant, many hateful things. I was never picked as a partner for projects or for the teams during recess. The teacher made the kids take me in and they would moan. I was hit or tripped, sometimes they ganged up to beat me up, and everyday I was laughed at and teased while I was in school. From kindergarten to graduation the cruelty changed in tactic but never ended. Teasing moved from joking, to flat out rejection because I wasn’t “cool” until in became so severe it approached persecution.  I truly understand being hated and mocked for no reason. I never did anything to any of those children or adults that teased me about being tall. When it all began, I didn’t hate them, I tried to figure out why they hated me. The more I defended myself and tried to “sell” myself to them, the more they teased me. When I fought back the kids got nastier and even physical. Sadly, this was not just in the schools, but also at church. Where I should have been safe and protected, I was also cruelly teased and rejected by the kids in Sunday school and later in the youth group. There were good people at church too who tried to help me when I was older. But, by then I was too full of unforgiveness, too bitter to receive. By age 10, my heart was rock hard with bitterness and revenge. I believed Jesus loved everyone in general. The guy died on the cross for the whole world and I was impressed by that. But, Jesus was more of a big brother, not God to me.  I figured God didn’t like me very much or He wouldn’t have let all these folks be so mean to me. And, I knew nothing of the Holy Spirit except rote prayers we repeated in church. At 16 I walked away from my church. Eventually, at school I stopped fighting back. The teasing didn’t stop, in fact when I grew to 5’11” at 12 years old and 6’1” at 15, the teasing got all the worse. Junior High and High School kids can really come up with nasty stuff.  But, I stayed silent. I withdrew to books. I stuffed all the hatred, feelings of revenge, anger and injustice inside and stayed away from everyone except a handful of girlfriends.   Though the growth to 6’ slimmed me out and I had the body of a model, by then I had such a low self image it didn’t matter. Wherever I was, if I heard people laughing, I assumed they were laughing at me for many years. Even into my 20’s the wounds of all those kids laughing at me would act up. To get relief from the pain of it, I lived in a fantasy world of books.  I loved stories about fairies, elves, magicians and wizards. Then I got into books on fortune telling, ancient mysticism (Egyptian, Hindu, and Buddhist beliefs fascinated me) UFO’s, science fiction, metaphysical philosophy and all the paranormal writings I could find about ghosts and unexplained mysterious events. Harry Potter would have been tops on my list. At 15 I got an Ouija board for Christmas and started having séance-type gatherings with girlfriends. We had very unusual experiences and the girls began to talk about how spookie and “fab” playing with the Ouija was. Suddenly, other kids became interested in me. I got invited to parties and asked to bring the Ouija. Guys liked the Ouija too and life got better. Boys started to ask me out. At 18 I got Tarot cards as a gift from my boyfriend and I was fascinated by them. I read everything I could to learn how to use them. Then I started reading fortunes for fun. An amazing thing happened. I became popular for the first time in my life. College was so much more fun that High School. Everyone wanted their cards read. I wanted more than anything to be accepted by my peers. Satan knew that and kept baiting his trap with what I wanted. Just when I was starting to feel good about life, my parents marriage fell apart and my Dad left us. He completely rejected not only my mother, but his children. He rejected me. I would stop by the retail store he managed hoping to run into him. I remember he looked right at me and stepped behind a post so I wouldn’t see him. Then when I turned, he went up the escalator keeping his back to me. He never called. Never sent a card or a present for 15 years. I saw him a couple of times when he remarried and then not again for another 6 years. I was so wounded by his behavior. I was already suffering from deep scars of rejection from my peers. Now a parent rejected me as well. Even though I was 19 when the divorce was final, it was very hard on me. After that I was never happy or satisfied with anything. I became bitter and selfish, critical, complaining, nagging and I was in physical pain that seemed to travel my body.Despite the fact I was blessed with physical beauty, I felt ugly. I hated what I had become and how I felt.  I just wanted relief from all the pain and memories. A friend recommended transcendental meditation. She said it helped her a lot to relax and let go of everything. The New Age philosophy attached to this type of meditation promised healing, love, truth, joy, peace and fulfillment, everything we should receive from a relationship with Jesus, but in human works, not His atoning blood. Those were all the things I longed for, so I tried the meditation and loved it. Then I gave my entire being and thousands of dollars to understanding New Age teachings. I continued Tarot and also purchased books, tapes, paraphernalia and went to seminars. For a time, life got a lot better. I became more confident. Part of the reason was opening up to spiritual principals. The truth of the word of God is mixed into New Age beliefs to make it sound like THE Truth, when it is not. Satan had baited me into this decision to become a New Age person and he let me feel good for awhile to set the hook. Letting me have positive results at first was a sure scheme to keep me away from God and looking constantly to New Age for answers. I became a successful business woman, image consultant and convention speaker. In my own industry, I was very well known. Personally, I kept reading Tarot cards, learned to see and read peoples auras, got into numerology and horoscopes to plan my days and weeks and years. I studied palmistry.  I believed in pyramid power, rainbow power, used crystals to amplify and direct my spiritual powers and to meditate to connect to spirit guides. I also practiced healing with crystals and eventually became an automatic writer which is a type of psychic called a channeler. Channelers are used as a vehicle for demons to speak or write. These things are not fun. Demons are legalists. If you choose to tolerate these things, even for fun, evil will find entryway into your life. Listen, Christians should never be involved with this stuff, not even horoscopes in the newspaper. It is all an Abomination to God. Though I was totally devoted to the New Age beliefs and I went all over the country sharing the New Age concepts mixed up with my image consulting and business seminars, and I was very successful, inside I was empty and afraid. True healing had never occurred. I still had a wounded little girl heart and expected rejection from everyone I met.  I was a miserable frightened soul. The more I tried New Age stuff to gain healing, the more wounded and frightened I became. Satan had me reeled in by then and once he had me he began to torment me. Instead of peace I was full of anxiety and stressed all the time. Instead of health, I was constantly ill and getting worse…eventually it was life threatening. Instead of joy, I was miserable and angry with myself and others.  I trusted no one. And, I never felt like I had  found the truth I was seeking. I was always searching for more. But God had a plan for my life. He uprooted my husband and I and moved us to Modesto, California from St. Paul Minnesota. Far from my roots and family, I felt totally lost and isolated.  I thought of Modesto as a cold hard rock in the spirit. I couldn’t meditate, I couldn’t connect to spirit guides. In Modesto, there were too many Christians praying and the cold hard rock was The Rock, the Lord Jesus Christ. With some effort, I found a meditation group in town. They too where struggling. I joined their evening meditation group, but found it less than satisfying. The group I belonged to in Minnesota had many active channelers and guest speakers. The group in Modesto seemed flaky and juvenile to me. Finally, I stopped going. After I moved to California, the Lord moved in the life of my business partner who lived in Connecticut. Totally unknown to me she had received Jesus as her Savior at a Charismatic Catholic retreat. That very same month, December of 1989, I was so miserable that I sat crying desperately in my living room calling out to my guides to help me. I challenged them. If you are really there, let me see you. If there is just a thin veil between us and the spirit- realm (a New Age belief) why could I not pierce that veil and see? If I am god (another New Age belief) why can I not see the beauty of who I am? Where is the healing and the love and peace and joy? I cried out for revelation. Though I cried out for things good, instead I saw what the spirit guides were really like and it was frightening. As I sat on my couch with closed eyes, I began to see a vision of a head and shoulders. The head wore a black velvet hood. Its back was to me. I as cried out for revelation of what my spirit guides were like and asked to see my goddess beauty, the head began to turn toward me. When it fully turned it was a face of death. It was a skull-like head with sunken eyes and an evil toothy grin. I was so shocked my eyes popped open, but the vision did not disappear. It hung there in front of me grinning. Frightened beyond description I bolted from the living room and ran into the kitchen. It followed me. I cried out “God help me” and cowered in my family room. Finally, it disappeared. Very shaken, I called one of the top New Age people in New Mexico to find out what to do upon seeing such an obviously evil being. This woman who didn’t even believe in a God in Heaven, told me it was the call on God that worked so I should ask him what to do. She said, get a golden crystal to mediate on and light candles everyday asking God to reveal the answer to you. I was shocked at her answer as I had walked away from God at 16. But, I was so upset that such an ugly thing could be proceeding from my meditations and spiritual practices, that I did just as she said for 8 weeks. Those times lighting the candles and gazing up the golden crystal formation where very soothing. I simply asked God to reveal the truth to me each time I lit the candles. In the meantime, my partner and I planned to meet in Washington DC at a convention I was speaking at.  The convention was the end of February 1990. I spoke to her on the telephone several times, but she said nothing about the change in her life.  When I got to the hotel in Restin, Virginia, she was so changed, I didn’t even recognize her. She glowed. I mean she radiated a brilliant aura. It was pure white. And I was amazed. Pure white auras are the highest attainment for New Agers.   I asked her what she had been into. She wouldn’t tell me. She didn’t know what to say. But, God used curiosity to bring me to Him. I literally begged her to tell me who her spirit guide was. Who she was channeling? Finally she told me her guide was Jesus. Long story shortened, she told me everything she knew about Him from her 8 weeks experience with the Lord. The same 8 weeks I was lighting candles asking for truth, she was talking to the one who is the TRUTH! We had 3 nearly all night sessions talking about Jesus, His sacrifice, the word of God and the promises of God and a lot about the book of Revelation. The end times made the most sense to me. It was the story outlined in Revelation that caused me to want to know more. Our time together was supernatural. Neither of us seemed to need sleep. During our conversations, I felt cut in two. Half of me believe everything. The other half said “You are nuts. This is a fairy tale.” The two sides fought, and I decided not to say the sinner’s prayer at that time. She explained to me exactly what needed to be prayed and how to repent. And she had me repeat the highlights to make sure I understood, just in case I ever wanted to call on Jesus. I wrote it all down. The Holy Spirit has been described as gentleman. That He is until you give Him an open door. Then He becomes a salesman. He had His foot in the door and He was not about to let me close it. He never left my side. Everywhere I turned and everything I heard, reminded me of what my friend said. I would wake up dreaming about her sharing the Gospel with me. I went through 3 days of wrestling trying to throw off the Jesus thing. But, I just could not shake it off. During follow-up conversations about our business partnership, my friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I felt tormented and confused by it all. She simply told me to ask God to tell me the truth. So, I lit candles that day asking for the truth. The next day I received Jesus as my Savior. As I showered that morning in March, I had the oddest sensation that couldn’t get clean. No matter how hard I scrubbed or how much soap I used, I felt dirty, in fact, filthy. I was in the shower a long time trying to get clean. I washed my hair twice and finally just stood there crying. Then I heard myself say, “Jesus if you are real, you better prove it to me. I am going to say that sinner prayer thing and, if nothing happens to prove you are real, then we are done. I can’t take this anymore.”  Pretty arrogant, but that is how I was feeling. One thing about God, He likes honesty. I knew I was supposed to confess sin. My friend had said, “Just confess your greatest sin, whatever you think that is and God will take care of the rest.” The one thing I knew was wrong was that I hated people for all the bad stuff they did. I knew it was wrong even by New Age belief. So, I confessed that I hated people and asked for forgiveness. Then I repeated the sinner’s prayer. It was burned into my memory. I had dreamed it every night since I got home. When I got done, I began to shake. Then I heard in my right ear the most loving male voice and felt His breath as He said…”I forgive you.” That did it. I became jelly in the shower. I remember climbing out and wrapping myself in a big towel. I sat on the closed toilette seat and wept and wept for a very long time. I got in the shower in the mid-morning. When the Lord was done with me it was dark. I barely had time to get dressed before my husband came home from work. My life has never been the same. That night I went to bed and woke up delivered from so many things. I remember looking in the mirror that next morning wondering who that woman was. Her eyes were bright and alive, not dark and frightened. She glowed and she felt great. I was called by name out of darkness and into His amazing light. And He filled up that lifelong empty hole in me. He set me free from New Age thinking within weeks, healed my woundedness and over the course of the next 5 years dramatically delivered me from unforgiveness, bitterness, horrible persecuting rejection, resentment, fear, anger, hatred and many other unholy behaviors and attitudes that are another whole written paper on their own. He has healed me from a list of physical problems too long to mention, some miraculous supernatural touches from heaven. The most marvelous part is he restored my relationship with my Dad. I see him regularly. He calls. I call him. He gives me presents and sends me cards. He never rejects me. Through that restored relationship, I have become healthy emotionally and could develop an intimate and loving relationship with my Daddy in heaven that eluded me the first years of my salvation. My Daddy in heaven has set me free and He never rejects me, even when I’m clumsy, over weight, can’t see, or I make mistakes. He reaches down and picks me up. And He wraps me in His banner of love. I feel completely full; there’s no emptiness in here in this heart any more. Only Joy, Love and amazing Peace… most important there is a feeling of total acceptance that I so desperately longed for all those years of my life.